Online Dating, or Applying to Jobs?

If you’re unmarried and over the age of 18 or have been online or have any friends who have ever been single, you probably know a thing or two about online dating and some of the ‘tactics’ you can take to give yourself the best opportunity possible of finding a potential match or new person to eventually grow to hate.

If you’ve ever wanted a job or had a job you didn’t want or liked to dream of being employed or been forced to find a job because for some reason no one wants to BUY YOUR CRAPPY HOMEMADE CRAFTS KAREN, you may also know a thing or two about applying to jobs online or trying to find a job online or the headache that is creating a resume/CV that is ultimately pointless because you have to manually re-enter all that information again because no one has made a single good system for this but I get it parsing is hard.

Very likely, you’ve experienced the trials and hardships of dealing with both of these systems, which are ultimately technologically-aided ways to connect to people you’ve never met in hopes of wooing them for personal gain. Whether you’re hoping to foster a personal relationship or a professional one, it’s undeniable that dating and obtaining a new job have a lot of similarities. So many, in fact, that I’ve come up with a game I like to call…Dating or Interviewing? So, am I talking about online dating, or online job-applying and interviewing? You tell me.

  1. This requires you to write a lengthy description of yourself and your accomplishments to make you seem better than you are for the sole purpose of MAYBE having an actual person interact with you.
  2. The more people you reach out to, the better your chances, so you reach out to as many as you can that meet your already-very-low expectations in hopes that you’ll eventually pique someone’s interest.
  3. At this point you now have so many accounts and usernames and passwords to various sites that you can’t even keep track of them all.
  4. Most people you’ve reached out to either completely ignore you or only reply with a resounding “NOPE” to your thoughtfully-written message. Most people don’t even have the courtesy to give you that.
  5. You’ll know your hard work and lies have paid off when one to a few desperate folks eventually respond.
  6. After a little back-and-forth, you may start talking on the phone and eventually even meet in person!
  7. When and if you DO finally meet in person, you’re sure to put your best foot forward: You take a shower, style your hair, put on your best clothes, do the breath test, come up with some talking points, try to hide your nervous sweats, and secretly hope this doesn’t take all day. If you’re lucky, you could be seeing this person again.
  8. This in-person meeting also requires a painful amount of small talk.
  9. After your meetup, you anxiously wait to hear from the person. Or should you contact them first? Why didn’t you make more official plans while you were in person? Did they not like you? How long until you should be the one to break the silence?
  10. You wait. And wait. And wait. Some of them never speak to you again. Some send a courteous ‘I don’t think we’re a match.’ You question whether going for the kiss was a bit premature. But still…you hold out hope that just ONE person will eventually say those three words to you: “Yeah, I guess.”

Prideful vs Proud

I recently went to Las Vegas for a sin-filled weekend of relaxation with the boif and a large group of friends for a lady-gal’s birthday. It was such a welcome reprieve from feeling terrible all of the time about everything forever. During our partaking of the Gluttonous sinful indulgence known as Las Vegas Buffet, the boif and I were joking that every Deadly Sin could be found and experienced in Vegas.

  • Lust: Um, obvious.
  • Gluttony: Mmmmmmmmmbuffet.
  • Greed: I CAN WIN MOAR
  • Sloth: Literally slept in and went to the pool to continue sleeping all day errday.
  • Wrath: The goddamn TSA agent that took our shooters…
  • Envy: ohgodwhyamiinsuchbadshape



There’s a difference between PRIDE, and being proud.

Pride, in the sinful understanding of the word, is a noun. Pride becomes a sin when you yourself have been consumed by it. Vanity is a form of pride.

(Kanye is the personification of pride.)

But the adjective of ‘pride’ is PROUD. You should be proud.

I had a hard time coming up with anything that would make me prideful, even in Vegas. Hell, I’m rarely if ever even proud of myself. It’s taken me much too long in life to realize that, at times, should be proud of myself the same as I am my family, friends, and loved ones. We all should. But, for what I feel are incredibly justified reasons, it’s a struggle for me to come up with reasons to be proud. It’s something I always will struggle with, and recently realized that I need to focus on, and need help to accomplish.

It’s so much easier for me to point out the flaws in me and negative things around me than it is to appreciate the things that are going well. And, naturally, since I’m my mother’s daughter, I blame myself for the negatives. Honestly, I’m genuinely afraid that all I’ve ever done is fuck up my own life. There are a lot of things in my life that I look at and truly make me ashamed and embarrassed for myself because I expect a lot more out of me. So I obsess over the negative, over the points in life where reality isn’t meeting my expectations–where I’M not meeting my expectations. I forget to celebrate the good, perhaps because the exceptional is what I expect. “Of course I got good grades, that’s what I expect of me.” or “Of course I continue to go to the gym and try to eat well, that’s what I expect of me.” I look at things that I’m doing ‘well’ and I simply gloss over them, because that’s the way they SHOULD be. But God knows if they were any other way, I’d be just as obsessive and embarrassed as I am about every other aspect of my life that isn’t meeting my expectations.

(But really things in life are bad rn haha)

I want to make a conscientious effort to try and find things about myself that I can be proud of. I’ve been so busy and so obsessed with trying to fix everything wrong in my life and about me that I’ve somehow forgotten to find the simple things in life that I should LOVE about myself.


1: I’ve gotten in better shape over the past couple of years than I probably ever have or will be again. My high school-college pants are too big for me now, so that’s cool/annoying.

2: I’ve learned a couple of thangs over the past year about photography and editing photos. Good job, me, I guess, but I’ve got a long way to go still.

3: I’m pmsing and have two boxes of thin mints that still have thin mints in them. Although that box of chocolates from Valentine’s Day has taken a serious hit…

Ok, that’s the best I can do. Slowly but surely.

Crawling before walking and all that.

Baby steps.

OLD POST: Dating Adventures, Round 1

Now that I’ve decided to get this shit in order and just start posting again, I’ve found a few drafts that I’d previously started and, at this exact moment in time, I said ‘why not’ to sharing it anyway. So, here’s another old post from back in my ‘I’m trying to date again and would rather stab a sharp object in my eye but also don’t want to be alone forever’ era.

[Spoiler: the date didn’t go well.]


Now I’m not saying that I’m bad at dealing with people. On the contrary, that’s my entire job–building relationships with human-y customer things (yeah, wtf is wrong with my company, right?). My squishy soft emotional innards are heavily guarded behind hardened layers of sarcasm, expertly mastered eye rolling techniques, and what some would say is ‘a shit-ton of unnecessary pessimism.’ Fortunate for me, I was blessed with the ability to read people and situations, so I’ve learned how to successfully slap on a smile (the key to looking sincere is ever-so-slightly squinting your eyes so those future crows’ feet crinkles appear), widening my eyes to look interested (don’t do this for an entire date, your eyebrows will hurt by the end), faking a laugh, hiding a yawn of boredom behind a fully closed mouth (I’m keeping this technique a secret, it took years of mastery), and asking questions to keep other people talking as needed so I: 1- don’t have to talk about myself, and 2- don’t have to endure the dreaded prolonged awkward silence that first dates tend to bring out in all combinations of human beings.  I’m actually a very pleasant person, but pretending to care about generic strangers is, frankly, exhausting. Like, I care about humanity at large and all that, but being forced to interact with a complete stranger for an extended period of time is torture. Now pile on trying to poop out some amount of romantic feelings for this stranger–this is why dating is an incomprehensible social construct to me.

I made this for you out of my feelings.

Sorry, that picture’s pretty gross. But so are feelings.

I am genuinely perplexed by what the strategy of dating is supposed to be. Is it a glass half full or half empty type thing? Do you just keep seeing someone until you decide you like them or hate them? That seems like a waste of time for everyone. Do other people have this innate ability to create feelings within themselves immediately for another person? Am I just broken?! WHAT IS DATING?!

Online Dating Adventures, Round 1:

For anyone following along at home, you’ll know that I’ve seen one guy twice, one guy once, and am seeing another tonight. I’m booked up like the whore of Babylon, which is exciting, I guess. The two guys I’ve seen have been nice and I probably had about as much fun as you could expect to have if you were trapped in a metaphorical game of Survivor together. The lucky guy who got a second date ended the date with saying “I hate people,” which is what won me over (“We both hate people! I wonder what else we both hate!”). But, I’ve since sent the awkward, “I had fun but not really enough to want to force myself out of my apartment again” texts. Which, probably unsurprisingly, I’ve never had to be the rejecter. So on some level I guess I feel bad, but in some ways it’s a small moment of triumph. But really, does anyone feel at all let down after one or two dates? Isn’t everyone on some level secretly relieved to have all their evenings back to themselves so they can resume their slovenly ways?

That’s probably why I’m excited to have this last date on the marathon sprint of dating over with. This poor guy gets to meet one exhausted, apathetic girl tonight, though. I still don’t know what I’m going to wear. Probably the same thing I’ve worn on the other dates. What, I’ve only got so many non-dude, non-work, non-pajama clothes. I’m begrudging the fact that I need to get home with enough time to take a shower, reapply all of my face paint, put BACK on actual clothes, and pretend to be a girl that takes lady-sized bites of food. On the slightly bright side, there’s really no worst-case scenario–either it goes terribly and I get to go back to being a lazy pile as much as I want, or it goes great and I decide I want to see him again (which I guess would be good for the adult relatives who’re starting to wonder about my sexual orientation, but bad for my anxiety over having to navigate social norms).




It’s me.

Not Adele, unfortunately. I wish. That girl’s got WAY more going for her than I do.

But I haven’t written in a long while. And a lot of that’s because I’ve been happier (and way busier because of a certain someone) in my personal life lately. More and more miserable in my professional one, but that’s another story for another time.

At one point, I explored Medium as an option to continue my personal writing.

But nah.

I like the total ownership of this seldom-looked-at blog. But, I did publish one thing on Medium to clear my mindspace, and I wanted to make sure I had it documented here.

To briefly catch you up, I think at one point I said ‘Never start dating your ex. Never start dating your ex. Never ever do it!’ and maybe I should’ve stuck by that–only the future will tell. BUT, I did start dating my ex again. You know, the one that kind of spurred on my need and decision to restart this little public journal of mine. And it’s been good. We’ve been re-dating, as I like to call it, for over a year now. (FULL DISCLOSURE, we got back together that fateful new years eve that I didn’t want to attend because my life is a dramedy and that was its season finale. He was part of the friend group going. He fell asleep on my couch when the party ended up back at my place with pizza and hot dogs after the main event ended, I woke him up, and we ended up talking until 8AM when the sun grew tired of us talking and came up to tell us to go to bed. We went to sleep briefly, woke up, and nursed our well deserved hangovers with brunch and mimosas, and have pretty much been inseparable since.) 

At many points, I’ve thought ‘maybe we had it right the first time, maybe this is all wrong. But for now he’s one of the best parts of my life. At one point, though…I’d nearly reached the end. I just didn’t think I could do it anymore, because I knew I was starting to have real feelings, and he continued to be his selfish self. And as much as I may truly deeply hate myself sometimes, I know ultimately I deserve more than that. So, with no editing, here’s……..


A letter to my soon-to-be ex

Dear future ex,

This is the hardest letter I’ve ever written and not given to you. I’m not going to say “it’s not you, it’s me,” because it’s definitely you. I’m not over you. I’m not going to be over you. I have extremely strong, misguided feelings for you. Dare I say, I could even love you if I felt secure in doing so.

I’d love nothing more than to be in disgustingly mushy mutual love with you. But you’re selfish. You’re extremely selfish. You say you want big things in life like a marriage and a family, but you don’t know how to share the pedestal you keep yourself on. You will always come first to yourself. Self-importance is a useful quality, but can become a bitter poison in relationships. I want to give you my heart and guard yours where I keep mine. But I can’t give you anything precious and fragile to hold onto for me when I can’t trust you to protect it.

Love is truly patient and kind, and I have been. But love is most importantly, selfless. Love is compromising for another because being with them is more important than any other personal desire. Love is putting another person’s needs and happiness above your own, or at least right next to it. Their priorities are your priorities. Their happiness is your happiness. Their trials and tribulations are empathetically yours. And, my dear, in all the years I’ve known you, I’ve never seen any indication that you’re capable of feeling to such a depth for someone outside of yourself.

So while it kills me inside to say that I could have loved you, would have loved you deeply if given the chance, I can’t be with you any longer. I can’t postpone our pain because I can’t waste my life waiting for an impossibility. And you, darling, are truly impossible.

With regrettably misplaced love,

The broken-hearted

Fuck this, fuck that, fuck the thing over there: Annoyances

I haven’t written much lately, but I’ve got a lot of minor annoyances built up in me right now, so, without much further ado, here’s a bunch of stuff I think is bullshit and gets under my skin like those fuckin’ creepy-ass bug things in that one episode of The X-Files. (I’ve had a more put together insightful post rolling around in my brain that I’ll eventually get to.)

  1. People who use fancy-ass hard-to-read fonts and colors in Lync and business emails. I hate you, I immediately assume you’re an idiot, and also a middle-aged woman. I am usually correct in this assumption. You and your grammatical errors remind me of dealing with a dumb blonde in high school who wanted to make cheerleader but never did because she was so fucking annoying even cheerleaders didn’t want her around. ONLY I HAVE TO BE NICE TO YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO DO WORK I NEED YOU TO DO GOD DAMMIT FUCK.
  2. People who go to the break room, grab a cup (one of the insulated coffee ones, or one of the bamboo-plastic ones, doesn’t matter), fill it with a sip of water, drink the water STANDING RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and then PROCEED TO THROW THE CUP IN THE TRASH. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. Let me analyze for you: the trash can is literally right next to the compost. Our company goes OUT OF ITS WAY to purchase special compost-friendly drinking devices. THE TRASH CAN. IS LITERALLY. RIGHT NEXT. TO THE COMPOST BIN. Additionally, what you’re doing is exactly what water fountains were invented for. THERE ARE TWO WATER FOUNTAINS LITERALLY 5 STEPS AWAY FROM THE BREAK ROOM. JFC.
  3. People who talk to you when you have headphones in. Like, they don’t even NEED anything crucial, they just want to talk. DUDE CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I AM DOING STUFF THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE COMMUNICATING TO YOU ABOUT TRIVIAL MATTERS THAT I DON’T CARE ABOUT? Particularly when you’re wearing over-the-ear headphones. Some people just don’t GET that that means I do not want to be interrupted. My next step is just putting a sign over my face that says I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU.
  4. People who IM you at work with a “Hi.” The conversations that bother me then go one of three ways:
    1. “How are you?” and other pleasantries have to be exchanged. My time on this blue marble is precious, dickhead, please just get to the point. What do you want. WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT. You obviously did not start talking to me to get to know me or my life, there’s obviously a reason you communicated with me, a complete stranger, within the company. You need something. Just tell me! TELL MEEEEEEE
    2. Or, they follow that with a ‘do you have a sec?’ So I’m like, okay, I’ll wrap this thing up so I have a sec for them. “Sure,” I say, because I don’t really know what else to say to that question. And then, they’re silent for the next 15 minutes. WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME. WHY DID YOU DERAIL ME AND INTERRUPT MY DAY. ARE YOU JUST TAKING A POLL?! HOW DO I OPT OUT OF YOUR FUTURE ‘DO YOU HAVE A SEC’ POLLS?!
    3. You respond. They then try to CALL you. Like, dude, wtf, why isn’t using your fingers easy enough for you? I fucking HATE talking on the phone, like, just blanket-statement, I will never talk on the phone if I can avoid it. So please, for the love of God, do not IM me “Hi” and then try to call me, or follow that up with “Can I call you?” DUDE GOD NO. If you IM me, I can continue to do other things with my life and not force my voice into ‘polite business’ voice. Please don’t make me do that, I don’t like it.
  5. People who drive with their lights off. When it is obviously overcast/rainy/night time. It’s Seattle, it is one of those things at least 90% of the time. TURN ON YOUR FUCKING LIGHTS!!! I don’t CARE if you can see the road, I’m old and the only thing that attracts my attention and lets me know there’s another thing on the road is THOSE TWO HEAD LIGHTS. And on that note…
  7. Oh, oh, okay. Last one. The social norm of having to make small talk. All small talk. All of it. Especially when trying to get to know someone. All small talk is lies. Why can’t we just be open and honest?! Don’t ask me how I am, you don’t really give a shit. And you asking forces ME to return the ‘favor’ of asking how YOU are. And sure as hell don’t give a shit. And talking about the weather? Fuck you, I hate the weather. All of it, every kind of it. Let’s get down to reality. The CORE OF YOUR BEING. What destroyed you in puberty? What’re you actually good at, what do you just THINK you’re good at? What kind of person are you when you drink? What’s your addiction? What are you most insecure about? These are things I care about. These are things that make up a person, not bullshit like sports facts you know.

Ok. For now I feel a little better. I will probably have more to add.

TL;DR: “Things that annoy me: People.”

Ferguson, and what is the world coming to?

The world seems to be doing its damnedest to implode right now. I know I’m not the only one who’s seeing it. It’s been a rough two weeks for humanity at large–losing Robin Williams, everything happening overseas (Russia, Iraq, Ukraine), the numerous lost planes we’ve seen, and now, Ferguson. Many people have posted many things about the situation happening in the middle of our country, but I, too have thoughts I need to express about it. And the biggest overall feeling I have towards that situation right now is that we as Americans are overlooking the MUCH bigger picture here.

Firstly, I’m going to state that I am by no means a journalist, by no means a person whose opinion counts for much more than any of the millions of voices on twitter. I have intentionally avoided following the unfolding situation there closely because there’s not much room in my life for more disturbing things. Plus, I think the media is primarily focused on the one topic that our country can’t seem to let go–racism. I don’t mean to downplay the seriousness of racism as a topic by any means; it exists, it’s active in our everyday, and it’s a horrible thing. No one is arguing that racism should be accepted and tolerated, we’re all basically on the same side of that issue: racism is bad. Case closed. Yes, we need to work towards acceptance and understanding of one another, but there’s not major opposing force trying to promote racism in our society. Instead of focusing on how racism is playing a role in what’s unfolding in Ferguson, we need to focus on the capabilities that our own government has demonstrated: oppressing the very same people it’s SUPPOSED to be protecting.

Before I keep going, I think this post and John Oliver summarize a part of my thoughts pretty well. Read. Watch. I’ll wait.

Okay, deep breath, I’m about to rant. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE!

Our government is far FAR more powerful and far-reaching that we know. Even moreso than we currently know. Since 9/11, our public servicemen in the police department have secretly been becoming militarized. Buying ‘old’ (read: probably gently used, less-than-a-year old) military vehicles and equipment from our federal government at very low cost. Why would they do this? Well, because they can, dammit! And because then our military can continue investing tax dollars into new equipment and new shiny toys, and no citizen is the wiser. And didn’t you know that terrorism can happen anywhere without a moment’s notice?! Our local police totally have to be ready for that! Right?! If our local police departments are mini-militia, then what is our actual militia for?

Before I start to sound like I’m hating on all police officers, I know there are good men in uniform. I know that in every group of responsible, passionate people, it only takes a few of them to ruin the public’s perception of their good work. That’s the case for religious groups, races, otherwise peaceful protesters (eg MOST of those protesting in Ferguson), and government figures. But we’re humans, we’re not designed to focus on those who are doing their jobs, laying low, and doing good; we’re designed to focus on the outliers, the negative, the out-of-place troublemakers. However, it has to be said that evidence of police using unnecessary force has become a growing topic, concern, and occurrence. As shown in John Oliver’s video, even house searches with warrants look like something out of a horror movie with terrorist investigations. Police are no longer trained to see citizens as equals, as people who are generally trying to live their lives in a peaceful, positive manner, they’re trained to see citizens as threats. Police are trained to enforce our governmentally propagated rules upon the people, and the rules are no longer in place to protect us–they’re to subdue us. The closer a person becomes to the government, in general, it seems, the less that person sees themself as a citizen who must abide by the laws they create or enforce.

An aside: As I was running and trying to exhaust my frustration of the ongoing events at the gym last night, Fox News showed something about one of the men in the protests having a gun. Obviously the national guard immediately saw him as a threat. So let’s take a look at this–a single guy has a handgun, PROBABLY for self protection, while the military has tanks, bullet vests, automatic rifles, and THEY feel threatened? Obviously they could use the excuse of ‘he could hurt someone in the crowd’, but that’s not the real reason for their reaction–no one likes to have a gun pointed their direction! Force begets force begets force begets force. Escalating force is not the correct response, on either side. Anyone who feels threatened is GOING to act in a manner of defense. The police started this whole mess with their over-the-top response to peaceful protests…those protests are no longer about the death of a teenager, they’re about the oppression of peaceful citizens by their own government.

This is NOT a situation that is rare and exclusively possible in the small town of Ferguson, MO. If you think your local police force isn’t equally militarized, you’re fooling yourself. This situation is possible anywhere. And, I’d gamble that the protests going on in Ferguson right now are no longer about the [supposed or actual] racism that prompted the white cop to shoot Michael Brown. It’s about HOW the police and government reacted–by revealing military equipment and attempting to force a curfew on its citizens like they’re children outside past their bedtimes, and by attacking and arresting the journalists trying to cover what’s happening. Amnesty International was sent there, for Christ’s sake!! When has Amnesty International EVER sent a crew to an American city for civil unrest?! WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE WORLD.

Our government is growing bigger and more authoritative every day. We sit on our comfy couches and watch the news of all the terrible things happening overseas and we say to ourselves, “Those poor people, look at what their government is doing to them,” and sip on our beers and then go to our soft beds. We’re complacent, and severely in denial to believe that that situation isn’t possible here. Meanwhile, our government is distributing military equipment to local law enforcement like Oprah distributes new handbags–YOU get a tank, and YOU get a tank, YOU ALL GET TAAAAA-AAAAAAAANKS! Let’s not forget about the NSA:Our government reads our email, spies on everything we and every other country does online, picks through our luggage at airports, harvests our data, wants to control all of our healthcare, and we do nothing. People cannot and should not be dependent on the government, the government should be dependent on us. It’s “We the people” not “We the government”. The government is about order and control, and the more they claim what they’re doing is for ‘the greater good’ and remind us that we have ‘no need to worry if we’re doing nothing wrong’, the more power and control over our lives they claim. Meanwhile, fewer and fewer Americans claim to trust their government, and the government has taken note of that.


TL;DR: The police are meant to ‘serve and protect’, but they’re no longer serving and protecting the citizens, they’re serving and protecting the government as a totalitarian entity. The government’s ready for war…are we?

(aaaaaand now I’m sure I’m on some interesting NSA lists, but it’s okay, I was probably already put there by the thought police.)